Why am I doing this? What am I doing?

I started this blog over a year ago, has it already been two? It doesn’t matter. What matters is why I started it…

WHY DID I START THIS BLOG?

I guess I began this as a way to figure out my life purpose… I studied communication design in college, but very quickly I figured out that I wasn’t a graphic designer. I like making my life “pretty” —my home, the things I wear, the stuff up on my walls, greeting cards to friends and fam, etc.—but when it comes to designing things for other people/companies all I can do is refine, I look for ways to make things better.

So, then I’m an art director. I become managing editor of my school’s literary and arts magazine, and I get to call the shots. I envision a beautiful magazine, I come up with great ideas on how to get advertiser and entries, then I start getting scared… the theme is too heavy, I’m not getting a good reaction, how could I possibly have the audacity to actually go all out with this magazine and make magic: fully allow my vision to realize.

I HAVE TO BE AS GOOD AS THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.

You can’t outshine then you won’t be liked —when did I start thinking that? It also seems ridiculous that I could even think I’m that shiny… 

THAT’S HOW I FELT.

By the end of the school year the magazine got done; it was nice/different but I could have done so much better. In the end I was only disappointed in myself: I let fear win…

But, at least, it became clear that I wasn’t a “graphic designer” —and, I got to learn so much 🙂

That summer I participated in month-long community design project in the Dominican Republic. It was one of the best adventures of my life. The dominican people are so happy, always smiling and dancing, my teammates were such fun people to work with and after loooooooong work days to hangout with, and I also realized that I’m really good with children.

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If I wasn’t dancing, reading or working most of my time was spent engaging with the children of the La Piedra community. They all seemed to really like me —they followed me. And, it became so important for me to influence their lives for the better.

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MAYBE I SHOULD WORK WITH CHILDREN.

I came back to the States thinking that maybe majoring in Communication Design had been a mistake that I should have done psychology instead  —like I had been interested in— so that I could be helping children.

I had friends that were getting their doctorate in psychology at that time, and seeing how much they struggled, all to end up with tons of debt only to be able to help-out a handful of humans, didn’t really appeal to me. Plus the thought of having to go back to school… Don’t get me wrong, I love education and learning— I just couldn’t do that to myself again.

GO BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

Alright, so, I couldn’t go back to school and going to work for a design agency wasn’t an option either.

I CAN’T WASTE MY TIME.

I can do design, I’m good at design, but applying to company after company all to try to work my way up to art director to do work that I  didn’t really wanna do seemed like a waste of time.

ALRIGHT WELL IT’S TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I REALLY WANNA DO…

I had some money saved up so I traveled around for a few months. It wasn’t a lot of money so I mostly couchsurfed around. It was fun having some me time, some free time, it felt like rediscovering myself.

And, that was the beginning of that journey.

WHO AM I? WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE?

I guess this journey may have started long before my mini-traveling sabbatical but going back home after my three-month excursion I had no job to go back to and everywhere I looked there was no job that I was truly interested in.

For the next ten months I made my living doing what I had done all throughout college: promotional marketing, dog-walking and teaching/babysitting.

I was still learning and exploring other options but nothing was coming up.. I had too many interests.

HOW DO I COMBINE MY PASSIONS?!

I ended up packing up my things and moving to China. After a few months of living in China, of being on my own again and getting a fresh perspective on life this blog was born.

I guess I started it as a way to document/combine all my dreams/passions in one place…

I created this blog while I was living in China, and got to write a handful of posts throughout my year there —but life was hard in China, and I had completed my goal, plus I really missed the love of my life…

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Yes, I was doing great work in China, really pushing boundaries and constantly stepping far outside my comfort zone —I loved it! It was thrilling, empowering, it was wonderful but at the end of the day all I wanted to do was share my success with someone special —with him.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Realizing this I packed up again and moved to the only place in the world I ever wanted to be —where ever he was.

That was a little bit over a year ago. A few months ago he ended our relationship…

I don’t blame him. We were at different points in our lives. The whole year he was busy with 12-hour workdays, and even some weekends, on top of studying for a huge licensing test. I was busy trying to come up with a definite life purpose.. we were barely making time for each other.

I wanted to figure out a way to take on the world and make it better, together… but we weren’t working like a team —I wasn’t being a team player.

WHAT IS LOVE ANYWAYS?

We might have fallen apart just to be able to fit nicely back together, maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that my heart lead me here, and it’s keeping me here, but I wasn’t consistently open with it, I kept shutting down and  —yet again— I let fear win…

FUCK FEAR

I’m tired of letting fear knock me down. I’m back at square one and this time my best friend’s with me —so what am I doing?

I guess we’ll see…

 

 

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