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Why am I doing this? What am I doing?

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I started this blog over a year ago, has it already been two? It doesn’t matter. What matters is why I started it…

WHY DID I START THIS BLOG?

I guess I began this as a way to figure out my life purpose… I studied communication design in college, but very quickly I figured out that I wasn’t a graphic designer. I like making my life “pretty” —my home, the things I wear, the stuff up on my walls, greeting cards to friends and fam, etc.—but when it comes to designing things for other people/companies all I can do is refine, I look for ways to make things better.

So, then I’m an art director. I become managing editor of my school’s literary and arts magazine, and I get to call the shots. I envision a beautiful magazine, I come up with great ideas on how to get advertiser and entries, then I start getting scared… the theme is too heavy, I’m not getting a good reaction, how could I possibly have the audacity to actually go all out with this magazine and make magic: fully allow my vision to realize.

I HAVE TO BE AS GOOD AS THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.

You can’t outshine then you won’t be liked —when did I start thinking that? It also seems ridiculous that I could even think I’m that shiny… 

THAT’S HOW I FELT.

By the end of the school year the magazine got done; it was nice/different but I could have done so much better. In the end I was only disappointed in myself: I let fear win…

But, at least, it became clear that I wasn’t a “graphic designer” —and, I got to learn so much 🙂

That summer I participated in month-long community design project in the Dominican Republic. It was one of the best adventures of my life. The dominican people are so happy, always smiling and dancing, my teammates were such fun people to work with and after loooooooong work days to hangout with, and I also realized that I’m really good with children.

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If I wasn’t dancing, reading or working most of my time was spent engaging with the children of the La Piedra community. They all seemed to really like me —they followed me. And, it became so important for me to influence their lives for the better.

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MAYBE I SHOULD WORK WITH CHILDREN.

I came back to the States thinking that maybe majoring in Communication Design had been a mistake that I should have done psychology instead  —like I had been interested in— so that I could be helping children.

I had friends that were getting their doctorate in psychology at that time, and seeing how much they struggled, all to end up with tons of debt only to be able to help-out a handful of humans, didn’t really appeal to me. Plus the thought of having to go back to school… Don’t get me wrong, I love education and learning— I just couldn’t do that to myself again.

GO BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

Alright, so, I couldn’t go back to school and going to work for a design agency wasn’t an option either.

I CAN’T WASTE MY TIME.

I can do design, I’m good at design, but applying to company after company all to try to work my way up to art director to do work that I  didn’t really wanna do seemed like a waste of time.

ALRIGHT WELL IT’S TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I REALLY WANNA DO…

I had some money saved up so I traveled around for a few months. It wasn’t a lot of money so I mostly couchsurfed around. It was fun having some me time, some free time, it felt like rediscovering myself.

And, that was the beginning of that journey.

WHO AM I? WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE?

I guess this journey may have started long before my mini-traveling sabbatical but going back home after my three-month excursion I had no job to go back to and everywhere I looked there was no job that I was truly interested in.

For the next ten months I made my living doing what I had done all throughout college: promotional marketing, dog-walking and teaching/babysitting.

I was still learning and exploring other options but nothing was coming up.. I had too many interests.

HOW DO I COMBINE MY PASSIONS?!

I ended up packing up my things and moving to China. After a few months of living in China, of being on my own again and getting a fresh perspective on life this blog was born.

I guess I started it as a way to document/combine all my dreams/passions in one place…

I created this blog while I was living in China, and got to write a handful of posts throughout my year there —but life was hard in China, and I had completed my goal, plus I really missed the love of my life…

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Yes, I was doing great work in China, really pushing boundaries and constantly stepping far outside my comfort zone —I loved it! It was thrilling, empowering, it was wonderful but at the end of the day all I wanted to do was share my success with someone special —with him.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Realizing this I packed up again and moved to the only place in the world I ever wanted to be —where ever he was.

That was a little bit over a year ago. A few months ago he ended our relationship…

I don’t blame him. We were at different points in our lives. The whole year he was busy with 12-hour workdays, and even some weekends, on top of studying for a huge licensing test. I was busy trying to come up with a definite life purpose.. we were barely making time for each other.

I wanted to figure out a way to take on the world and make it better, together… but we weren’t working like a team —I wasn’t being a team player.

WHAT IS LOVE ANYWAYS?

We might have fallen apart just to be able to fit nicely back together, maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that my heart lead me here, and it’s keeping me here, but I wasn’t consistently open with it, I kept shutting down and  —yet again— I let fear win…

FUCK FEAR

I’m tired of letting fear knock me down. I’m back at square one and this time my best friend’s with me —so what am I doing?

I guess we’ll see…

 

 

My Thoughts on Life

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Simply put life is just a figment of our imagination. Life is a dream. That’s it. It’s all created in our heads.

If you think about it, waking life is as real as any sleeping dream. At least for me. My sleeping-dreams are so vivid. Everything is so clear and detailed. I can hear things, taste things, touch them, feel them. When I am asleep — and dreaming — even my emotions don’t stop, I experience all of them: excitement, fear, terror, happiness, anger, love, ecstasy.

It’s. All. So. Real!

Then there’s lucid dreams. Those are the best! When I have lucid dreams everything is as vivid as my usual dreams plus I have full control over everything that happens and everything I do in those dreams. 

So then — let’s just take a small hop here — if awake life is not much realer than any other sleeping-dream and dreams are things that can be controlled then, by nature of the fact that none of us really know what life is, that must mean that we actually have a lot of control over our awake life.

Right?

That’s what I think.

Many of the experiences that happened in my life have lead me to believe this. That we have more control over our own life than we chose. For example we can chose to focus on a sad life and make that the reality, or we can be imaginative. We think about all of the joyful things going on in our life and focus on those, thereby making them the primary reality. We can even create new great things in our imagination and put our energy into making those the reality. Whatever we shine a light on that will be the brightest. If we imagine the best life we can accept and we work towards it we will get it because we are actively searching for it. It’s really as simple as the old adage “seek and you shall find”. Why has this saying traveled through time? Because it’s true and we should come to know it. I’m sure there are many old sayings that speak truths that we should internalize but instead, at least like me, tend to forget.

I really must remember these things — specially during times when I become too afraid and inevitably stop walking towards my dreams. I hate those times…

Maybe that’s why I am writing this down. There are times I need a quick reminder and I am not sure where to turn to. I guess I don’t have something to remind me that I have more control over the outcome of my day to day life. That it is my choice what I chose to be present for and how I chose to react to things. Everyone is already caught up in their own illusion of reality to remember themselves, so I can’t rely or depend on another person to remind me. Plus, some times I need a quick reminder.

There are those times when I get scared, overwhelmed, tired and I start to focus on the fear. I forget that it’s all just one big dream and I just shine a light on all the negative emotions that are swirling up inside of me, I make them real. Instead of using those emotions as fuel, I find truth in them and I freeze. I stop moving towards my dreams. I don’t get closer to my goals. Overtime the space between me and those goals actually starts to drift away. That just make things worse.

Thankfully something finally reminds me not to take this dream of life so seriously.

Then (again) I start focusing on the process of life, the journey. Again, I begin to shine a light on all of the beautiful things in life. Yet again, I take forwards steps towards my goals. 

This cycle tends to repeat itself, at least it has ever since I began to have my own thoughts about life. Maybe with the more that I learn those thoughts will evolve, but for now they have been useful — specially with easing the stress that comes with what life is now.

One day I hope to always remember to live more in the present, where the ride through this dream current is the smoothes. Maybe I can imagine myself being a real yogi and enjoy surfing through a harmonious life. 

Maybe.

A field of wonderful possibilities is just a paradigm shift away:

let’s start imagining. 

How to start a blog, my version.

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First. Have desire to start blog.* 

*You hear yourself saying often, “oh, I wanna start a blog”.
If you do you can begin your starting-a-blog journey.

Sit down and brainstorm a suitable domain name. 

Decide on a suitable domain name.

Wait around for months and months before actually going to register the domain name.

Log on to a blog hosting site and find out that someone else has already registered the domain name you want. 

Sit down again with a pen and pad to brainstorm new domain names ideas.

Settle on one domain name.

This time hurry, log onto hosting site and register the name!

Complete registration for domain name. 

Don’t log on to the server for months and months — the domain name is yours now (for a fee).

Finally sit down to design your blog — or pay someone that’s better at making beautiful things to do it for you.

Have a nice looking-blog with a bunch of empty pages! Maybe even your “about me” information is non-existent.

6.After a few months come back, full of inspiration, and start filling up the pages of your blog.

7. Take a long, long, time to write, and upload, just one post.

8.Go on another break from “writing” on your blog.

9. Start actually writing on your blog again.

10. Write, write, write.

11. Take another months, and months, break.

12. After a while realize that you have only two options, A) keep going or B) give up.
Option A: keeping going.

Repeat steps 6—12 then continue to choose this option every time.

Option B: give up

Never come back to your blog, probably continue to pay for it, and always wonder “what if”.

30 things you need to do before turning 30

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1. Live in a different city, away from your hometown. You’ll be surprised to find out just how different cities can be even within the same country. Doing this will give you the chance to meet the person that you really are (outside of the mold your community and all of the people around you created for you), and you will grow as an individual.

2. Work a retail or food industry job. You’ll be buying things and food for the rest of your life; get the insiders knowledge of how things really work from behind the scenes.

3. Do 300 hours of volunteer work. Great places to volunteer for are Goodwill and Habitat for Humanity — but your favorite non-profit will also work.

4. Read these books: the Alchemist, Grow Up, the Four Agreements.

5. Watch these movies: Pay-It-Forward, Life is Beautiful, Zeitgeist, I Am, Happy, The Compass and The Opus.

6. Teach children something, anything as long as it’s enriching and positive. You can tutor your favorite subject, coach your favorite sport, teach them your favorite hobby.

7. Speaking of hobbies, learn new hobbies! Anything and everything new that interests you, or anything that you wanted to learn, or do when you were little but never got the chance.

8. Learn a life skill. Learn to knit or sew, code HTML, change your oil, etc.

9. Plant a plant. Grow it from a seed, nurture it and watch it grow — notice how it filters your air, brings you oxygen, and life.

10. Forgive the people that have wronged you in the past. This doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends with them, but holding on to grudges and resentment will only hinder your own growth and hurt your heart.

11. Travel to at least three different countries, and live in each new one for at least three weeks each. A great way to do this is through study abroad programs or wwoof — though I’ve never tried wwoof-ing myself.

12. Visit a farm or ranch. See where your food really comes from.

13. Couchsurf or rideshare. The world is full of wonderful people this is a great way to meet them. Plus, after your experience you’ll just wanna pay-it-forward which will bring you all sorts of good karma points.

14. Observe the world around you. Pick anywhere then just sit and watch. Observe the world and make it count, do this for at least three hours.

15. Visit a landfill. Have you ever wondered where everything you throw away goes? It doesn’t just magically disappear. Find out what happens to your stuff.

16. Sleep under the stars, literally. Go camping with just your sleeping bag — but bring a tarp, in-case it rains.

17. Talk to people you wouldn’t normally talk to. Have a thirty minute conversation with a homeless person or anyone you’d otherwise turn away.

18. Ditch your car for a year, or longer. Public transportation and bicycles are perfectly effective (and Eco-friendly) ways to travel. Plus you’ll get to discover a different side to the city in which you live in — and probably lose some weight.

19. Listen to non-lyrical music, and learn to love it. There’s already so much chatter inside of our heads, lyrical music just tends to increase the noise, so start listening to non-lyrical music.

20. Learn Sign Language. Because of all the noise pollution nowadays more and more people are increasingly losing their hearing as they get older. Your older, senile-self will appreciate you learning how to speak visually. Plus sometimes without words you can say so much more.

21. Write three POSITIVE and detailed online reviews — or more! It’s so easy not to write anything or to have the energy to write angry, negative reviews so make the time to share the good news!

22. Observe nature. For at least three hours sit somewhere in nature — where there are absolutely no other people around — and just observe.

23. Watch a thunderstorm (from a safe place – of course).

24. Learn to cook a new and delicious dish. Once you’ve mastered it have a dinner party. Invite at least three friends over to share it with you.

25. Begin your life-long daily meditation habit. Teach your mind how to relax and give it the chance to purify itself each day.

26. Create a daily exercise regiment, any exercise will do however Yoga asanas are the least impactive while providing optimal benefits.

27. Be vulnerable. Be real. Tell people how you really feel — no, emotions clouded by anger and resentment aren’t how you really feel.

28. Be kind and caring to yourself, become your own bestest friend.

29. Envision your perfect life, then write out in detail what that looks like. 

30. Define your Ultimate Purpose. In the next 30 years what will you be working towards?